if i had just one more beer

(11-11-07 / 306am)


if i had just one more beer
i could do
alot
of things

if i had just one more
beer
id tell you how
it is

if i had just one more
beer
i would end the night
just
right

but i dont have
one
more
beer

what if it is

(11-21-07 / 11:35pm)


i life my beer
i meant to write
i lift my beer
and when i do there
is some weight to it
meaning that its
not
almost
done

that is a good
feeling to me
when your drinking
and analogous to
life
in some way
im
sure

i had my head
in my hands
at work
today and a
coworker
said
its not that bad
and i said
what if it is

Peebol Snabol, Peebol Saabol

(circa 9/1990)


Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol
Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol,

All I hear is
Peebol Snabol,

From the time I wake up
until the time I go to bed.

Saabol this,
Snabol that,

From my parents, teachers, friends,
Sometimes I even find a
Peebol

or three in my very own head.

Everywhere I turn people are talking of

Peebol Snabol
and
Peebol Snaabol

as if they both truly mattered.

Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol,

If I hear you again
I will surely die.

here we are

(9-28-07 / 914pm)


just me and the computer
just me and the screen

ive been wanting to write
more
poetry

more words that will
inspire
more words that will
show
others that i need
to
be listened to
that
i am someone to be
remebered.


i listen to dog the
bounty
hunter on tv talking
about
trying to find someone who
has sexually abused
a child and
video taped it.

he is on larry king
and is saying he will
find them for a dollar

i’d write for one dollar
if i was on larry king
and
taken siriusly about
something

about anything.

but what about nabokov’s
lolita

will dog go after him?


but who really cares
about
being on cnn with larry
king

no/know
i want my thoughts to be
cared
about by people in the
know/no

people
who history will care and
write
about

i want to be considered as
a
world shaker
a
world mover
by
history
by
prosterity

is not that what all men
want/wont

that is surely what
the artist wants
deep
down
or
not so deep down

cause
we already feel
we matter
that what we think is world
shaking

world moving
important

we just want
others
many others
to recognize it

for all our
groping into the
abysss
to have been worthin
something

anything
but
the nothing it is currently

christmas day

(circa spring 2000)


I
lie here waiting,
hoping,
pleading,
wishing,
and wondering.

If
things will ever
change,
if I’ll ever go to
bed happy,

Glad to be alive,
eager to see
the breaking light
of the new day,
that before me lies

If I could at least be
told how long it would last,
A date on the calendar
I could mark
and look forward to.

Like a child who awaits
Christmas,
counting down the days.

Without Christmas day
to look forward to:
I sleep,
and I sleep
to sleep,

I sleep
in hopes that one morning
I will wake to finally find it
Christmas day,
With my happiness wrapped up in packages
under the tree.

on, not off

(c) blue deer productions, LLC 2005

sorry

(circa spring 2000)


I pray for the words
to express how
I
feel
However,
I know my words
will not say
quite a great deal
About the way
I feel or could feel
or
should feel
or
have felt
Or
about the things
I’ve thought
and
found out:
I’m sorry for you,
I’m sorry for me,
I’m afraid life is only
meant
for suffering and misery.

what i say

(circa spring 2000)


What I say,
who listens?

What I say,
I’m sorry they
all
don’t listen!

From some unknown source,
I undoubtedly listen!
Telling me what I ought to hear,
what I ought to know
From me it doesn’t come,
from me,
it doesn’t go……

From me,
you know what?
These energies I’m keeping low

For they might just come to get me
if I told all I heard and thought.
For once again I am nothing.
That much I hope you brought.

sometimes i dont live

(10-7-07 / 503am)


i just figured out
somtimes
most times
i dont live

i retreate like
a
hermit
from
life

the most important cure

(oct 5 2007 / 717pm)


the common cold
back pain
cure these
and the rest will
follow

pets of the gods

(sept 29, 2007 / 1202am)


amusement of the gods
like steve o
puking up
gold fish for our amusement
-its funny

we are swallowed
by the
gods
and
the galaxies
laugh as
we are puked
up

my wife hugging the cat
the cat thinks
its
torture

my wife sees
it
as love

what is the use

(sept 28 2007 / 1130pm)


what is the use
whats the use
what will be the use
what can be the use

what is the use of
having kids

only to see their
father

to fail
to be won over
by the
lesser man
by the
evil man
by the
sociopath
by the
meanie
by the
bastard
by the
soulless boss
by the
bull shitter
by the
ass-kisser

the lesser man

always gets
ahead

our father was
not the
lesser man

but he was
not
honored
not
recognized

just like we saw
our
fathers
my father
your father

me, you
as a father

what is the
use

unless
we stand up to
the
lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser

i stand up
as
much as
possible

do you

atleast
i
kick out
the

lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser

the lyer
the cheat
the sketchy
the worthless

from my life

i say:

if you must be
the
lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser

the lyer
the cheat
the sketchy
the worthless

then you will not be
my
friend
my
acquataince

you will
be nothing
to
me

just do this
friend

stand up
to the
raising tide
of evil
of assholes
of souless bosses

of the (bad) people who
run
my life
your life
our life

ATLEAST

just
shun them
from your
life

and this will be a
start

if i was honest

(sept 28, 2007 / 10pm)

if i was completely
honest
then i would write
the most
the best
the most bestest
poetry
the most bestest
words
you would tell your
friends to read
me.

if i wrote about all
that i thought
all that i experienced

then you would
remember me
then i would
inspire
you

but i dont
i hold back
i am scared.

scared of what?

perhaps that if i write
it
then it will come true
that if i talk about
it
then it will have power over
me

and we all just dont what
that

do
we
?

i have alot to say

(9-28-07 / 10pm)


i have alot to say
but not enough
time
to do it
i need my rest but
expression is the need of
my soul
and i have a lot to
say
about many different
things
but i need my rest
my
leisure
so
i write these
words
during
commercial
break

skinny girls

(written around the time of the kobie bryant rape scandal)

skinny girls
with
big titts
perfect tans
in winter

ass rapped by the nba
star
throw away the panties
or
save as evidence

post
modern
consciousness
shift

my dads cup

(11-2-07 - 833pm)


there were
certain
cups that my father
always
used.

they were like my
dads
cups-

they were plastic
and
tall
and
skinny

it was not official
that i could not use
them
but
for the longest
time
i never even thought
of using
them.

it must have been
some kind of
coming of
age type
thing
when i finally started
using them.

i cant remember
the
exact process
-like when i first used them-
but i do remember
being conscious
of the fact
that i was
finally
using my
dads
cups.

and only now
in a more advanced
age
have i
started to
comprehend
the significance of
using dad’s
cups

getting old

(1-10-04 - 4:51am)

how long have i had this tshirt?
how long have i had that idea?
have i had that same plant for 3 years?
and the spider plant?
have i had that since college?
did i carry it with me all of these years?
so much a part of me that i forget when and where and why i bought it
that i forget if i bought it.
did my mom buy that thing for me?
did i steal/borrow it from some long lost friend?
when did it happen that i became a grown up?
i wasnt paying attention and it snuck up on me.
how was i to know?
i still had some of the same clothes as i did in high school
i still had some of the same thoughts as i did in middle school
the same beliefs as whenever i had them or cared to care
all of a sudden i look in the mirror and my hair is receding
and my face looks worn and nobody cards me when i buy beer.
how was i to figure it out?
my parents still treat me the same. my sister still treats me the same.
it seems that everybody treats me the same. and i treat them the same.

just one poem before i clean up

(9-25-07 - 4:00pm)

i’ll write one poem
before i clean
up

i keep putting off
this
‘cleaning up’

the car is to be
unpacked
from
the vacation

calls and emails
must
be
returned

i’ll watch until
one more
commerical break
and then i’ll clean
up

one more cup of
coffee and then
i’ll clean up

masturbate once
and then i’ll get
to it

after i take a
dump
i will get to that
‘cleaning up’
that ‘catching up’
that ‘staying on top of’
that i dread
that we all dread?
so much

so much to be done
always it seems
never fully
‘cleaned up’
never fully
‘caught up’

but now after writing
about it
i somehow feel better

folly

(circa spring 2001)

things i heard
in a word
being more
than absurd

come from under
and are tossed
asunder

of past mistakes
youre left to wonder
if your
blunder
was more than
this
or more than
that

my words come
out
with a
hiss

my page
my toleit

my thoughts
my
piss

this means something number 1

(Saturday, October 19, 2002 - 10:26pm)

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wifjeoifjweofiwafjivneinfidjfeinve
voneivoneopaineiotheihtwaihti
vnoineiognfoeaitutowejtoiewtjieojtw

ewinrtoweiniriawerniosenroeirerera
aeionreoinaewioterihgnvurtghgruie
eahuivnvreniewinvnivinvanuivdnui
vandfg
dagn
dand

***waves crashing***

(circa august 13 2002)

water splashing, waves crashing.
hotmail inbox, over flowing.

children laughing, chilren smiling.
b/c outside-
-------------------------********the sun is shinning

of the

(circa spring 2000)

the gentle touch
of
the
pedophile's hand

the bright colors
of
the
USA Today