that feeling in my stomach

[10-10-00 - circa 10:30]


lying in bed with a girl i hardly know,
who i think i know, who i wish i knew,
or don’t, the fact remains to be seen as they say, we are
both naked, & feeling akward, now sober after a drunken
night of knowing each other in the biblical sense, as they
also say. im scared to reach out to her & find it odd that
it takes me so long to work up the courage to do so. when just
6 hours before....then it suddenly makes me see that the cliche
that some things are more intimate than sex is true...but she
seems to accept my awkward attempt of intimacy and adjust herself
to me, moving closer...then after some time she jerks as one does when
falling off to sleep. i tell her the theory i heard why that
happens: that the self is afraid of giving up control. shes
heard different. she says it comes from the collective unconscious,
from back when we slept in trees & falling out of
tress meant death. i said b/c you’d get eaten by a
tiger & she said: “no, because you’d smash your brains in.” and right
then she moved, or snuggled closer as one might again say, squeezed
my arm, right below the armpit, where the biscep muscle is,
all in one quick movement
& i had that feeling in my stomach.