(circa Spring 2000)
Like the dance of feeding wolves,
is full of paradoxical rules.
Life’s salvation lies deep within,
its pleasure arises from the skin.
Born into a family and you die alone,
in a box they’ll place your bones.
Like sharks in a feeding frenzy,
or the busy street of a city.
By finding love you can avoid its pain
or by putting a bullet through your brain.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
that feeling in my stomach
[10-10-00 - circa 10:30]
lying in bed with a girl i hardly know,
who i think i know, who i wish i knew,
or don’t, the fact remains to be seen as they say, we are
both naked, & feeling akward, now sober after a drunken
night of knowing each other in the biblical sense, as they
also say. im scared to reach out to her & find it odd that
it takes me so long to work up the courage to do so. when just
6 hours before....then it suddenly makes me see that the cliche
that some things are more intimate than sex is true...but she
seems to accept my awkward attempt of intimacy and adjust herself
to me, moving closer...then after some time she jerks as one does when
falling off to sleep. i tell her the theory i heard why that
happens: that the self is afraid of giving up control. shes
heard different. she says it comes from the collective unconscious,
from back when we slept in trees & falling out of
tress meant death. i said b/c you’d get eaten by a
tiger & she said: “no, because you’d smash your brains in.” and right
then she moved, or snuggled closer as one might again say, squeezed
my arm, right below the armpit, where the biscep muscle is,
all in one quick movement
& i had that feeling in my stomach.
lying in bed with a girl i hardly know,
who i think i know, who i wish i knew,
or don’t, the fact remains to be seen as they say, we are
both naked, & feeling akward, now sober after a drunken
night of knowing each other in the biblical sense, as they
also say. im scared to reach out to her & find it odd that
it takes me so long to work up the courage to do so. when just
6 hours before....then it suddenly makes me see that the cliche
that some things are more intimate than sex is true...but she
seems to accept my awkward attempt of intimacy and adjust herself
to me, moving closer...then after some time she jerks as one does when
falling off to sleep. i tell her the theory i heard why that
happens: that the self is afraid of giving up control. shes
heard different. she says it comes from the collective unconscious,
from back when we slept in trees & falling out of
tress meant death. i said b/c you’d get eaten by a
tiger & she said: “no, because you’d smash your brains in.” and right
then she moved, or snuggled closer as one might again say, squeezed
my arm, right below the armpit, where the biscep muscle is,
all in one quick movement
& i had that feeling in my stomach.
who is alex holden
[2-23-08 / circa 11am]
-sometimes-
alex:
is of the is, but not right now that is
-sometimes-
alex:
is of the is, and right NOW that is
-sometimes-
alex:
is of the is, but not right now that is
-sometimes-
alex:
is of the is, and right NOW that is
the worm stranded
[10-5-07 / 7:17pm]
in my life thus far
i have saved a few worms
that have happened to be stranded on the side of a road and/or sidewalk
these worms are in a worm no mans land
there is no going back for these worms
they will die if not for some form of divine intervention
when i have moved these stranded worms
over to safe ground
i will then wonder what chain of events
my act has just set into motion
was
the save
of the worm a righteous and noble act
or was the let die
of the worm the more right action to take
did my playing god for this dying worm
set into motion a chain of events
that led to some chaotosphrophic end
somewhere in the world and/or universe
in a butterfly effect type manner?
reading this
is there any wonder i had an ulcer at the age of 15?
in my life thus far
i have saved a few worms
that have happened to be stranded on the side of a road and/or sidewalk
these worms are in a worm no mans land
there is no going back for these worms
they will die if not for some form of divine intervention
when i have moved these stranded worms
over to safe ground
i will then wonder what chain of events
my act has just set into motion
was
the save
of the worm a righteous and noble act
or was the let die
of the worm the more right action to take
did my playing god for this dying worm
set into motion a chain of events
that led to some chaotosphrophic end
somewhere in the world and/or universe
in a butterfly effect type manner?
reading this
is there any wonder i had an ulcer at the age of 15?
Saturday, January 19, 2008
that feeling after cumming
(11-27-07 / 833pm)
ever since high
school
ive hated that
feeling
-its like a void
that hits you
right
after orgasam.
it makes me
feel
empty
it makes me feel
like
all the striving, struggling,
contemplating, coniving,
conning (of yourself & her)
cunning, contemplation
etc.
-all the work
surronding
obtaing the female that
just
helped you
have an orgasam
was in vain
-but not really ‘in vain’
more like:
a pointless endavour that led
no where,
and/or
a waste of time
-a mistake, to be blunt
folly, maddness
a feeling in the pit of
your stomach
that youve done
something
wrong
and at that moment
after orgasam
even the prettiest
of girls appears
grotesque
-all her flaws and imperfections
are all to evident
and glarring at you
hitting you in the face
and making you question all
your previous behavior
leading up to the climax
all that much more
-and at that moment
i guess all of the above
is brought to the fore front
of your consciousness
b/c
all the testosterone
(or some such chemical)
has been
released
from your body
-and at that moment
your are probably
as about as close
to being ‘celebate’
-that state of not wanting sex
as is possible
even more close to
that state
than a buhdist monk
or
catholic preist
-but thankfully
this state,
as described above
only seems to last
for
-at the most
30 mins.
i think this is called the
refractory period
but nonetheless
its a bitch to
go through.
and it seems to happen
everytime
i have sex
ever since high
school
ive hated that
feeling
-its like a void
that hits you
right
after orgasam.
it makes me
feel
empty
it makes me feel
like
all the striving, struggling,
contemplating, coniving,
conning (of yourself & her)
cunning, contemplation
etc.
-all the work
surronding
obtaing the female that
just
helped you
have an orgasam
was in vain
-but not really ‘in vain’
more like:
a pointless endavour that led
no where,
and/or
a waste of time
-a mistake, to be blunt
folly, maddness
a feeling in the pit of
your stomach
that youve done
something
wrong
and at that moment
after orgasam
even the prettiest
of girls appears
grotesque
-all her flaws and imperfections
are all to evident
and glarring at you
hitting you in the face
and making you question all
your previous behavior
leading up to the climax
all that much more
-and at that moment
i guess all of the above
is brought to the fore front
of your consciousness
b/c
all the testosterone
(or some such chemical)
has been
released
from your body
-and at that moment
your are probably
as about as close
to being ‘celebate’
-that state of not wanting sex
as is possible
even more close to
that state
than a buhdist monk
or
catholic preist
-but thankfully
this state,
as described above
only seems to last
for
-at the most
30 mins.
i think this is called the
refractory period
but nonetheless
its a bitch to
go through.
and it seems to happen
everytime
i have sex
Friday, November 23, 2007
if i had just one more beer
(11-11-07 / 306am)
if i had just one more beer
i could do
alot
of things
if i had just one more
beer
id tell you how
it is
if i had just one more
beer
i would end the night
just
right
but i dont have
one
more
beer
if i had just one more beer
i could do
alot
of things
if i had just one more
beer
id tell you how
it is
if i had just one more
beer
i would end the night
just
right
but i dont have
one
more
beer
Thursday, November 22, 2007
what if it is
(11-21-07 / 11:35pm)
i life my beer
i meant to write
i lift my beer
and when i do there
is some weight to it
meaning that its
not
almost
done
that is a good
feeling to me
when your drinking
and analogous to
life
in some way
im
sure
i had my head
in my hands
at work
today and a
coworker
said
its not that bad
and i said
what if it is
i life my beer
i meant to write
i lift my beer
and when i do there
is some weight to it
meaning that its
not
almost
done
that is a good
feeling to me
when your drinking
and analogous to
life
in some way
im
sure
i had my head
in my hands
at work
today and a
coworker
said
its not that bad
and i said
what if it is
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Peebol Snabol, Peebol Saabol
(circa 9/1990)
Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol
Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol,
All I hear is
Peebol Snabol,
From the time I wake up
until the time I go to bed.
Saabol this,
Snabol that,
From my parents, teachers, friends,
Sometimes I even find a
Peebol
or three in my very own head.
Everywhere I turn people are talking of
Peebol Snabol
and
Peebol Snaabol
as if they both truly mattered.
Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol,
If I hear you again
I will surely die.
Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol
Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol,
All I hear is
Peebol Snabol,
From the time I wake up
until the time I go to bed.
Saabol this,
Snabol that,
From my parents, teachers, friends,
Sometimes I even find a
Peebol
or three in my very own head.
Everywhere I turn people are talking of
Peebol Snabol
and
Peebol Snaabol
as if they both truly mattered.
Peebol Snabol,
Peebol Saabol,
If I hear you again
I will surely die.
here we are
(9-28-07 / 914pm)
just me and the computer
just me and the screen
ive been wanting to write
more
poetry
more words that will
inspire
more words that will
show
others that i need
to
be listened to
that
i am someone to be
remebered.
i listen to dog the
bounty
hunter on tv talking
about
trying to find someone who
has sexually abused
a child and
video taped it.
he is on larry king
and is saying he will
find them for a dollar
i’d write for one dollar
if i was on larry king
and
taken siriusly about
something
about anything.
but what about nabokov’s
lolita
will dog go after him?
but who really cares
about
being on cnn with larry
king
no/know
i want my thoughts to be
cared
about by people in the
know/no
people
who history will care and
write
about
i want to be considered as
a
world shaker
a
world mover
by
history
by
prosterity
is not that what all men
want/wont
that is surely what
the artist wants
deep
down
or
not so deep down
cause
we already feel
we matter
that what we think is world
shaking
world moving
important
we just want
others
many others
to recognize it
for all our
groping into the
abysss
to have been worthin
something
anything
but
the nothing it is currently
just me and the computer
just me and the screen
ive been wanting to write
more
poetry
more words that will
inspire
more words that will
show
others that i need
to
be listened to
that
i am someone to be
remebered.
i listen to dog the
bounty
hunter on tv talking
about
trying to find someone who
has sexually abused
a child and
video taped it.
he is on larry king
and is saying he will
find them for a dollar
i’d write for one dollar
if i was on larry king
and
taken siriusly about
something
about anything.
but what about nabokov’s
lolita
will dog go after him?
but who really cares
about
being on cnn with larry
king
no/know
i want my thoughts to be
cared
about by people in the
know/no
people
who history will care and
write
about
i want to be considered as
a
world shaker
a
world mover
by
history
by
prosterity
is not that what all men
want/wont
that is surely what
the artist wants
deep
down
or
not so deep down
cause
we already feel
we matter
that what we think is world
shaking
world moving
important
we just want
others
many others
to recognize it
for all our
groping into the
abysss
to have been worthin
something
anything
but
the nothing it is currently
Friday, November 02, 2007
christmas day
(circa spring 2000)
I
lie here waiting,
hoping,
pleading,
wishing,
and wondering.
If
things will ever
change,
if I’ll ever go to
bed happy,
Glad to be alive,
eager to see
the breaking light
of the new day,
that before me lies
If I could at least be
told how long it would last,
A date on the calendar
I could mark
and look forward to.
Like a child who awaits
Christmas,
counting down the days.
Without Christmas day
to look forward to:
I sleep,
and I sleep
to sleep,
I sleep
in hopes that one morning
I will wake to finally find it
Christmas day,
With my happiness wrapped up in packages
under the tree.
I
lie here waiting,
hoping,
pleading,
wishing,
and wondering.
If
things will ever
change,
if I’ll ever go to
bed happy,
Glad to be alive,
eager to see
the breaking light
of the new day,
that before me lies
If I could at least be
told how long it would last,
A date on the calendar
I could mark
and look forward to.
Like a child who awaits
Christmas,
counting down the days.
Without Christmas day
to look forward to:
I sleep,
and I sleep
to sleep,
I sleep
in hopes that one morning
I will wake to finally find it
Christmas day,
With my happiness wrapped up in packages
under the tree.
sorry
(circa spring 2000)
I pray for the words
to express how
I
feel
However,
I know my words
will not say
quite a great deal
About the way
I feel or could feel
or
should feel
or
have felt
Or
about the things
I’ve thought
and
found out:
I’m sorry for you,
I’m sorry for me,
I’m afraid life is only
meant
for suffering and misery.
I pray for the words
to express how
I
feel
However,
I know my words
will not say
quite a great deal
About the way
I feel or could feel
or
should feel
or
have felt
Or
about the things
I’ve thought
and
found out:
I’m sorry for you,
I’m sorry for me,
I’m afraid life is only
meant
for suffering and misery.
what i say
(circa spring 2000)
What I say,
who listens?
What I say,
I’m sorry they
all
don’t listen!
From some unknown source,
I undoubtedly listen!
Telling me what I ought to hear,
what I ought to know
From me it doesn’t come,
from me,
it doesn’t go……
From me,
you know what?
These energies I’m keeping low
For they might just come to get me
if I told all I heard and thought.
For once again I am nothing.
That much I hope you brought.
What I say,
who listens?
What I say,
I’m sorry they
all
don’t listen!
From some unknown source,
I undoubtedly listen!
Telling me what I ought to hear,
what I ought to know
From me it doesn’t come,
from me,
it doesn’t go……
From me,
you know what?
These energies I’m keeping low
For they might just come to get me
if I told all I heard and thought.
For once again I am nothing.
That much I hope you brought.
sometimes i dont live
(10-7-07 / 503am)
i just figured out
somtimes
most times
i dont live
i retreate like
a
hermit
from
life
i just figured out
somtimes
most times
i dont live
i retreate like
a
hermit
from
life
the most important cure
(oct 5 2007 / 717pm)
the common cold
back pain
cure these
and the rest will
follow
the common cold
back pain
cure these
and the rest will
follow
pets of the gods
(sept 29, 2007 / 1202am)
amusement of the gods
like steve o
puking up
gold fish for our amusement
-its funny
we are swallowed
by the
gods
and
the galaxies
laugh as
we are puked
up
my wife hugging the cat
the cat thinks
its
torture
my wife sees
it
as love
amusement of the gods
like steve o
puking up
gold fish for our amusement
-its funny
we are swallowed
by the
gods
and
the galaxies
laugh as
we are puked
up
my wife hugging the cat
the cat thinks
its
torture
my wife sees
it
as love
what is the use
(sept 28 2007 / 1130pm)
what is the use
whats the use
what will be the use
what can be the use
what is the use of
having kids
only to see their
father
to fail
to be won over
by the
lesser man
by the
evil man
by the
sociopath
by the
meanie
by the
bastard
by the
soulless boss
by the
bull shitter
by the
ass-kisser
the lesser man
always gets
ahead
our father was
not the
lesser man
but he was
not
honored
not
recognized
just like we saw
our
fathers
my father
your father
me, you
as a father
what is the
use
unless
we stand up to
the
lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser
i stand up
as
much as
possible
do you
atleast
i
kick out
the
lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser
the lyer
the cheat
the sketchy
the worthless
from my life
i say:
if you must be
the
lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser
the lyer
the cheat
the sketchy
the worthless
then you will not be
my
friend
my
acquataince
you will
be nothing
to
me
just do this
friend
stand up
to the
raising tide
of evil
of assholes
of souless bosses
of the (bad) people who
run
my life
your life
our life
ATLEAST
just
shun them
from your
life
and this will be a
start
what is the use
whats the use
what will be the use
what can be the use
what is the use of
having kids
only to see their
father
to fail
to be won over
by the
lesser man
by the
evil man
by the
sociopath
by the
meanie
by the
bastard
by the
soulless boss
by the
bull shitter
by the
ass-kisser
the lesser man
always gets
ahead
our father was
not the
lesser man
but he was
not
honored
not
recognized
just like we saw
our
fathers
my father
your father
me, you
as a father
what is the
use
unless
we stand up to
the
lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser
i stand up
as
much as
possible
do you
atleast
i
kick out
the
lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser
the lyer
the cheat
the sketchy
the worthless
from my life
i say:
if you must be
the
lesser man
the
evil man
the
sociopath
the
meanie
the
bastard
the
soulless boss
the
bull shitter
the
ass-kisser
the lyer
the cheat
the sketchy
the worthless
then you will not be
my
friend
my
acquataince
you will
be nothing
to
me
just do this
friend
stand up
to the
raising tide
of evil
of assholes
of souless bosses
of the (bad) people who
run
my life
your life
our life
ATLEAST
just
shun them
from your
life
and this will be a
start
if i was honest
(sept 28, 2007 / 10pm)
if i was completely
honest
then i would write
the most
the best
the most bestest
poetry
the most bestest
words
you would tell your
friends to read
me.
if i wrote about all
that i thought
all that i experienced
then you would
remember me
then i would
inspire
you
but i dont
i hold back
i am scared.
scared of what?
perhaps that if i write
it
then it will come true
that if i talk about
it
then it will have power over
me
and we all just dont what
that
do
we
?
if i was completely
honest
then i would write
the most
the best
the most bestest
poetry
the most bestest
words
you would tell your
friends to read
me.
if i wrote about all
that i thought
all that i experienced
then you would
remember me
then i would
inspire
you
but i dont
i hold back
i am scared.
scared of what?
perhaps that if i write
it
then it will come true
that if i talk about
it
then it will have power over
me
and we all just dont what
that
do
we
?
i have alot to say
(9-28-07 / 10pm)
i have alot to say
but not enough
time
to do it
i need my rest but
expression is the need of
my soul
and i have a lot to
say
about many different
things
but i need my rest
my
leisure
so
i write these
words
during
commercial
break
i have alot to say
but not enough
time
to do it
i need my rest but
expression is the need of
my soul
and i have a lot to
say
about many different
things
but i need my rest
my
leisure
so
i write these
words
during
commercial
break
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